Since this won't end well......

To my middle eastern dictator friends:

Don't spend too much time or money trying to bump off Obama. If you just exercise a bit of patience, we'll eventually do it for you.

To my African-American friends (not really friends - I'm using it like you use "brother/sister" to someone who isn't related to you):

When Obama ends up assassinated just remember - it's not necessarily a racial thing. I mean, most white supremacists are far too busy trying to figure out how many more Trans Ams they can put up on blocks in front of their "double wide" - there is just no time to plan a good 'ol assassination.

To the white supremacists (who are having this blog read to them):

Remember to only shoot his black bits!

And to all of my fellow Americans:

Here's to four years of being lied to with beauty, style and grace - a much welcomed change from the bungling whoppers of the present administration. Enjoy!

vote!!!

Remember people: How good do they look? How good do they sound? Who will they bomb?

Now, get out there and exercise your democratic right to vote! I don't care who you vote for - republican or Democrat. I don't even care if you understand a single issue. Just vote.

So many questions. So little time.

With the U.S. Presidential election closing in, it is time to get serious about who deserves your vote.

We decide such important matters not only based on aesthetics and rhetoric but also on the big questions of the day. Questions like "How much is Palin's wardrobe worth?" and "Did you know that Obama rhymes with Osama?" spring to mind. As you can see, there are a multitude of questions and not enough time before we vote to get answers for them all.

So, let me give you one question that could help you choose the next leader of the free world: "Who should we bomb next?"

Obama would have you believe that McCain would simply stay the course and continue bombing Iraqis and Afghanis. But do we know this for a fact? And even if McCain does "stay the course" there could still be other opportunities to blow another population to tiny bits (consider the recent strike by our forces in Syria. Do I smell conflict?)

And what about Obama? "Change" is a wonderful thing to vote for but we do need some specifics. I might have missed his plan for the next conflict. And if I have, I apologise. But if he hasn't spelled out his platform on foreign aggression yet I have a suggestion that I believe fits in well with his platform thus far. Given the frequent references to J.F.K.'s Camelot I think that Cuba might be a natural target. If only Castro can hold on a month or two longer!

Nothing puts a little spring in the step of a lagging economy like a good old fashioned war. So tell me, Presidential hopefuls, who do we decimate next - and then I'll tell you if you get my vote!

You're just jealous (and you can't read).

The American people recently bailed out AIG to the tune of $85 Billion. Now every news outlet is posting the "how could they spend so much money on their nails" story regarding a recent company outing. Predictable!

The problem is not with the cost of the executive retreat that took place last month ($440,000). The problem is not even with the people who are writing these shallow stories. The problem lies with an education system that can't even teach the 3 "R's". In this case, arithmetic seems to be the issue.

I'm going to try to do some simple math to give the story a bit of perspective.

85,000,000,000 X 0.01 = 85,000,000 (this means that 1% of AIG's bailout is $85 million).

85,000,000 X 0.01 = 850,000 (this means that 1% of 1% of AIG's bailout is $850 thousand).

850, 000 X 0.01 = 8, 500 (this means that 1% of 1% of 1% of AIG's bailout is $8,500.00).

440, 000 / 8,500 = 51.76 ish

So what does this mean? This means that the total cost of the retreat is about half of a percent of 1% of 1% of ..... no..... wait a second.......it means that half a....... Well, I think it's probably a really small number (thanks a lot public edumcation).

Hopefully you get my point. Of course if you attended any of the schools I attended - you probably can't even read this blog (and you are undoubtedly wondering why there are no pictures of naked people on your Internets - concluding it must be broken, you are now randomly smashing numbers on your iPhone with the vain hope of contacting the Internet people).

So, let's not get our knickers in a knot. It's only $440 k. If you really need to be upset about something - how about this:

440,000 - 2,949 = 435,071 (that means the total bill before gratuities is $435,071).

435,071 X 0.01 = 4,350.71 (that means that 1% of the total retreat bill is $4,350.71).

The total gratuities on the bill amounted to $2,949.00. That means that the folks at AIG tipped less than 1%. Some might say they're cheap - I say frugal.

So the real question becomes, how does such a fiscally responsible company end up in such a financially dire position? One thing's for sure, it certainly couldn't have been their fault. Maybe when O.J.'s done finding the real killer (see the 90's for reference) we could hire him for this little AIG mystery.

Putin, a classy man in a classless society.

Marx would be smiling right now if he was not so dead.

While taking a bit of a breather from oppressing the Georgians, Prime Minister Vladimir Putin really showed his stuff by saving an entire camera crew from certain digestion.

The Prime Minister was in the “far east” visiting a group of scientists studying the Amur tiger. The tigers have made a remarkable comeback from near extinction in recent years and the scientists were gathering data and equipping the cats with transmitters in order to track their movements.

During Putin’s visit, one of the trapped tigers escaped and made a run for the camera crew. The Prime Minister shot the tiger, saving the crew and creating some wonderful PR. The Georgians are really going to have their work cut out for them trying to spin this one.

What an incredible example of public service. One of the most influential people in Russia rolled up his sleeves (which created some amazing dramatic tension by the way) and “got his hands dirty” – saving a bunch of commoners. Let’s hear it for a classless society!

But the story does not end there. There are more than just a handful of photographers that can be singing the praises of fixed elections. There is something here for the card carrying PETA member in all of us. Putin had the foresight to shoot the tiger not with bullets, but with a tranquilizing dart. Both the cat and the crew live to tell the tale because of this quick thinking man of the people.

With presidential elections looming it does the heart good to see a leader of such quality. Before you go to the polls in November you may want to ask yourself, “How many tigers has Obama not killed lately?” Food for thought indeed.

Criticise your government - and see the world!

Oh, hi again.

Been doing a bit of travelling - seeing the sights and what not.

Rendition - The Upside.
You get to travel to exotic locales and don't have to waste incredible amounts of time in customs line ups.

Rendition - The Downside.
Well..... it's........ oh no. I've wet my pants again.......

Imminent threat!!!

Al-Qaeda, Bomb, Bomber, Bombing, Bombed, Boom, Bin Laden, Iran, Syria, Barack Obama, New Clear, Plot, Plotting, Plotted, President, Presidential, Hezbollah, Hamas



To the Homeland Security Officer that is reading this,

Well, first off - hi.

One of the frequent readers of my blog (he/she goes by "Zane". That's "Zane" with a Z) thought that the President might like an idea I put forth on May 4, 2008 in a post entitled, "Cooler, more refreshed heads will prevail.". With his visit to Israel coming up I thought that he might like to give it a quick perusal. Be a dear and pass it on to him. It would be so great if the Palestinians and the Israelis could know the kind of freedom that we take for granted in the good ol' US of A!

Thanks for the help,
Uncle Robert

You can't always tell a military dictatorship by it's cover.

It's been 12 days since the cyclone ravaged Burma. Presently the Burmese authorities are reporting that 28,458 are dead and 33,416 missing. The West has responded as it always has - by sending aid. But the Burmese government has been quite surprising in the way it has dealt with the aid.

Many are criticizing the local government's refusal to allow all the aid planes to land. The refusal to accept all aid "ad hock" seems an odd response to the tragedy that continues to unfold. I personally believe that there are at least 2 good reasons for the response.

First, one must remember that the world is forever changed as a result of 911. Security is a primary concern for all countries - not just the West. Could you imagine the problems that Al-Qaeda could cause in a country like Burma? Changing a country's system of government from the current Military Dictatorship to a Theocratic Military Dictatorship would be costly and time consuming. The amount of paperwork required to switch munition suppliers alone would amount to weeks of paper shuffling. How would a government find the manpower to subjugate the people, slow aid distribution and file all the necessary paperwork at the same time? Clearly, it would be all but impossible.

The second point is even more obvious. The Burmese government is taking it's environmental responsibilities seriously. More seriously than the West in fact. Sure, we can read "The 100 Mile Diet". But no sooner have we finished the last page than we start shipping food half way across the globe. You have to stand in awe of the Burmese government's "stick to it" mentality. No wonder the same government has been in power since 1962!

Doubtless, there will be those readers who will throw caution to the wind and, subconsciously hoping for beach front property everywhere, will insist on "helping" with the aid effort. For you, I include these addresses to a few NGOs. But I wash my hands of any responsibility.

http://www.wvi.org

http://www.redcross.org/

http://www.oxfam.org/

Cooler, more refreshed heads will prevail.

A wise (and ridiculously good looking) man once said, "When life gives you lemons make lemonade" - oh, that was me a few posts ago. Go figure. Anyway, back to the point at hand.

For the past several decades, few peoples have received more lemons than the Palestinians. It is their time to make lemonade. Condoleezza Rice is in the region this weekend to pursue steps toward peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians. The immediate issue to attend to - barriers and roadblocks.

Israel has used these as a way of restricting movement of the Palestinians. The thought is that with restricted movement there will be fewer opportunities for Palestinian militants/freedom fighters to carry out attacks on Israel. It also has the secondary effect of crippling the Palestinian economy - which, in turn, is supposed to put pressure on the Palestinian fighters to cease their operations.

Presently only 44 of the previously agreed upon 61 barriers have been removed. The Palestinian view is that the removal of these has been of minimal benefit to their people. Of course, the Israelis are hesitant to remove the remaining barriers lest the attacks on their people continue. So the question at present is how to ease the plight of the Palestinians and maintain security of the Israelis. The answer to this is lemonade - literally.

Given the state of the Palestinian economy it makes sense to use a western free market capitalist model. So I suggest that, with start up capital from the Israelis, the Palestinians start at the beginning of the process - with lemonade stands. Everyone in the west is familiar with this as an entry point to capitalism and all of its splendor. If it's good enough for us, then gosh darn it, it's good enough for them. The Palestinian economy would benefit from the newly created jobs and the people of the region would benefit from the pleasure of enjoying one of the most tasty and refreshing beverages known to man. What would be in it for the Israelis? The long lines formed by the patrons would create a natural barrier to unimpeded movement. They could then remove the remaining 17 "barriers" with the knowledge that they have effectively lost nothing. Maybe they could even enjoy a glass or two themselves. Mmmm. Yummy!!

Of course there is the technology barrier to consider. But I'm willing to bet that an enterprising Palestinian 8 year old could figure out a way to utilize RPGs (rocket propelled grenades) for the extraction process. Perhaps we could even send some of our more successful lemonade stand operators to coach the budding entrepreneurs. I smell franchising opportunities!

I guess I should have said this last time.

I feel that I must offer my deepest apologies for any confusion that I may have caused with my last post. In case anyone was under the impression that I am subconsciously chained to some outdated morality, let me assure you that I am not. What seems on the surface to be a glaring omission from "maiming two birds" was in no way due to an archaic concept of good & evil. Certainly we are beyond that (thanks Fred).

The omission I am speaking of is, of course, the genocide option. This is 2008 and the last time I looked we had already surmised that morality is subjective and varies from culture to culture. So why did I not include genocide as an alternative in my last post? Simply put, it is cost prohibitive.

Remember, Tibetan Buddhists believe in Samara (rebirth). That effectively means that the same souls could possibly have to be terminated over, and over, and over. As you can plainly see, the costs of such a program could be astronomical!

The omission, therefore, should not be viewed in light of some "western morality" but should be seen for what it is - simply a matter of fiscal responsibility. And that transcends culture.

Again, please accept my most sincere and heartfelt apologies for any confusion I may have caused.

It's like maiming two birds with one stone!

There was a blessed event in my extended family this week. A beautiful baby girl was born to my in-laws. We celebrated this event like most families - by spending money.

For the sake of convenience, we chose to shop at a large "big box" store that carries almost everything. And like almost every store these days many, if not most, of the goods were manufactured in China. Given the recent protests that occurred along the Olympic Torch routes in several cities around the world some might have mixed emotions about purchasing Chinese goods. I am not one of those.

The oppression of the Tibetan people by the Chinese is almost inevitable. If we have learned one thing from thousands of years of human history it is this - the strong will oppress the weak. We really didn't need Darwin to point out the concept of "survival of the fittest" (It has been pointed out by a friend of mine that "survival of the fittest", although used by Darwin, was actually an idea first presented in 1864 by Herbert Spencer in "Principles of Biology". I take this opportunity to suggest that Mr. Spencer get a better publicist.). It reveals itself in every page of every history book ever written. So the issue at hand is not whether or not China should be involved in Tibet. The real issue is how they should oppress them.

This is 2008 and I believe that unlike our ancestors we possess a civility that must be brought to bare in this conflict. The Tibetans should be oppressed (as I've already established) - but they should be oppressed well. Technology affords us the opportunity to see the people of Tibet subjugated humanely and effectively. High caliber bullets take the place of crude shot (or even worse, dull swords). There are also many crowd control tools like pepper spray and rubber bullets that are effective and non-lethal. Handcuffs that used to leave captives with chafed and bloody wrists now hardly leave a scratch. Technology and progress are truly wonderful things.

But there is a cost to this technological "properness". These things are not free. Technology costs real dollars. Research and development for new weapons would be all but impossible without a substantial monetary commitment. And that is where we the consumers are invaluable. By purchasing cheap Chinese goods we enable the Chinese to deal with the Tibetans in a manner befitting our technological abilities and social sensibilities.

So, to my new niece I say welcome to our world - with a gift to her & to Tibet.

The Answer for the Iraq War is "Operation: 50 Cent"

While American President George W. Bush announced several new initiatives for the troupes in Iraq, opposition to the war continues to be strong from the Democrats.

Bush's announcement today included shortening the troop combat tours to 12 months from the current 15 months, as well as supporting Gen. David Petraeus' plan of holding military personnel levels as they stand for the next 45 days. The President was quoted as saying, "I've told him he'll have all the time he needs."

On the other side of the House, Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, "The president has taken us into a failed war. He's taken us deeply into debt. And ... that debt is taking us into recession."

Ms. Pelosi's view on the success of the Iraqi war is, of course, up for debate. It will remain subjective until/unless a definition of "success" is agreed upon. Somewhat more objective are her remarks regarding the cost of the war and the present economic difficulties facing the U.S. This journalist is not implying that the costs incurred as a result of the operations in Iraq are solely responsible for the economic downturn we are now facing. Such a suggestion would be blatantly erroneous. But there is little question that expenditures incurred during the length of the conflict (some conservative estimates believe that the total costs could reach $400 billion by the time it's over) have not helped to ease the economic crunch that we now find ourselves in.

But every cloud has a silver lining. And when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. I present to you a simple plan that could end the war and help the economy at the same time. I call this modest proposal "Operation: 50 Cent". The concept is as follows:

Go into the inner cities and gather their entire populations. This is where poor people live. Poor people cannot help us spend our way out of this economic slump. In fact, poor people require assistance from the government. Therefore, getting rid of the less affluent puts us ahead financially. Take these inner city dwellers and transplant them in Iraq. I have, of course, considered the fact that most of the armed forces are made up of such people. But those who could not join because of medical reasons, or for flunking out of basic training, or even those who didn't sign on for service - those people would get to show their true patriotic spirit by leaving the country.

The inner city is also home to an almost infinate number of nar-do-wells. Gangs will be given the biggest guns imaginable. Collateral damage will be encouraged. East Coast/ West Coast rivalries will be accentuated, as will all other animosities (Crips/Bloods etc.). We send Iraq the product of over two hundred years of the "Second Amendment". The insurgents won't know what hit them. Our streets become safer - and so would theirs.

I submit "Operation: 50 Cent" for public consideration. I ask for nothing in return. I'm just proud to do my part as a patriot, economist and social engineer. Let freedom ring.

mmm, yummy muffins.

In an effort to maintain my status as a blue collar "digger of ditches", I stopped to get a coffee today.

The woman ahead of me inquired about a muffin called "Banana Dream Muffin". She asked if it contained bran. The lady behind the counter informed her that it didn't. So, she decided to choose another type.

I noticed that all of the other muffins were referred to in a very straight forward manner, being called whatever they were - Blueberry, Chocolate Chip etc. I asked the lady behind the counter if the "Banana Dream Muffin" contained the dreams of starry eyed children crushed into a fine flour. She said "no". The female customer ahead of me had a look of horror on her face. I'm not sure why.

I have little idea how far technology has come in the baking industry, but it seems to me that adding the dreams of small children might be good for those who have become jaded as they've reached middle age. It would be like bran for the psyche.

Let Them Eat Rice Cakes!

The Olympic torch relay met a very unceremonious end as it traveled through Paris on Monday.

In what seems to be a rivalry for the ages, France refused to be outdone by the recent protests during the U.K. portion of the relay in London - not only by having a protest of their own, but by completely outshining the British protest.

It is unclear if the protesters were aware of an actual cause or if they were "just trying to get a light". Most seemed oblivious to the plight of the Tibetans and to the fact that they even existed. Not surprising when one factors in the complete lack of trade between France and Tibet. French wines are almost nonexistent in the Himalayas. The complete lack of aesthetic sense has left the fashion houses of Paris dumbfounded. And the Buddhist monks in the region are incredibly frugal when purchasing firearms.

Of course, those Parisians who were somewhat aware of the situation in the region met the issues in the true style of the Republic - with "liberty, equality, fraternity", suggesting that if things were unable to be resolved the Tibetans could be relocated to the suburbs of Paris. And just like the North Africans who reside there now, they could still not be French in several generations. Vive La France!

Multiculturalism is really, really nice.

This was on the “Google News Canada” page today – the first story listed.

"Interracial relationships rise 30 per cent in five years Globe and Mail - 5 hours ago. Ward and June Cleaver were the idyllic picture of marriage in the 1950s, then Vishva Ramlall and Stephanie Linton could be the face of relationships in the 21st century. Visible minorities colour our world - Mississauga News"


Thanks to John Stewart of the “Mississauga News” for helping me with the quick post. Yes John, visible minorities do colour our world. It is wonderful of them to do that for us.

P.S. I love their quaint accents and broken English too - very amusing.

P.P.S. Sometimes their food is a bit much though.

Altruism is dead.

Dateline: Orange County, FLA

Last Thursday an unnamed 11 year old female student was "tasered" after alleged altercations with a fellow student, several members of the faculty, and the school's resource officer.

The events began when the unnamed girl attempted to push another student into on coming traffic. The attempt being unsuccessful, the accosted student was able to tell a staff member about the incident. When teachers confronted the 11 year old she became physically aggressive; shoving furniture, yelling and spitting. The teachers, in turn, requested the aid of Officer Donna Hudepohl, the school's resource officer. When Officer Hudepohl reached the scene she was pushed and received a blow to the face. At that point Hudepohl discharged her taser and immobilized the student.

The unnamed student was taken to a local hospital for removal of the taser barbs. Officer Hudepohl was also admitted to the same hospital for treatment of a possible nasal fracture.

How senseless it all seems - the violence, the physical and emotional trauma. And let us not forget the disruption to the academic environment. And what about the monetary cost? There is the cost of the EMS visit, the accompanying hospital treatment as well as the cost of replacement barbs for the taser. There is also the legal costs including the cost of the court time itself.

All of this because of one selfish act. If only the student who had initially been pushed into traffic had thought a little about those around her and just "stayed pushed". If only this student had thought a little less about self-preservation and a little more about others. If only.

Don't fire until you see the brilliant blue of her eyes.

Ready. Aim. Fiery?!

As the Supreme Court prepares to rule on the Second Amendment, it strikes me that there are three things that should be given consideration. The first, and most obvious, is what the Second Amendment actually means. The second point to contemplate has to do with the Supreme Court itself.

The third, and arguably the most pressing point to discuss, is that Lindsay Lohan was recently spotted shopping in Beverly Hills – and she is back to blonde! No reason has been given from the Lohan camp regarding the recent change of heart. Given last month’s photo shoot where she recreated iconic pictures of Marilyn Monroe, it is possible that Ms. Lohan has finally decided to pursue her thesis “Blondes do in fact have more fun”. How could it be that the young star might “have more fun”? It does seem almost impossible to imagine. The question of how fun will be objectively measured has been met with as much silence as the new look.

But the thesis explanation is not the only possibility. When dealing with such an artistic genius it is always hard to understand the rationale behind a move as bold as this. Undoubtedly, there are many subtle layers that form the decision. Is it meant to be a comment on China’s heavy handed treatment of the Tibetans? Perhaps her purpose is to raise global awareness of the dangers of climate change? Or maybe it’s a gentle message to those who will be deciding on the future of gun ownership in the U.S.? We wait with baited breath to hear for Lohan’s people.

One thing is certain - in the Supreme Court of Public Opinion, this is one star worth watching!

Jump!!!

And yet another way to completely waste time I don't have. Nothing could be more ludicrous than creating a blog in an epoch when most of the "great unwashed" are functionally illiterate and the rest are so busy blogging that they have no time to read blogs.

How much am I getting paid for this again?